Tuesday, January 15, 2008

Gulliver, you shameless bastard.

Since it snowed all day Monday, the kids had the day off from school. Pretty soon after 9:30am, the neighbor girls called to see if Lila could play. For the sake of anonymity, let's just call them Root and Shoot. Their mom is a former vegetable growing-homeschooling-all things earthy is best-Hippie, so those are actually not too far off from their real names.

I've had a little trouble in the past with the Hippie (as she will now be called). She is very strict about what she feeds her kids and about allowing them to watch tv. I found this out over the summer when her kids had been in my yard playing all day. I invited them into the air conditioning for a lunch of chicken nuggets and Sponge Bob. Big no-no.

So Lila, Root, and Shoot played out in the snow for most of the morning. They came in at noon and asked if they could have lunch with us and then play inside our house. I took their lunch orders ("Since you don't have tomato, which is the best part of a ham sandwich, I guess I'll have to have peanutbutter and jelly.") and let them sit in front of the tv only while they ate. As soon as everyone was done, I turned it off and told them to go play. And they did play. They played toys, made forts, did crafts, played school and none of it involved any tv.

Around 4:30pm, everyone was getting kind of bored. They'd been over all day and were starting to get hungry and tired. We had a half and hour to kill before I walked them home for dinner and I was out of ideas. Then I remembered that my dad had dropped off a copy of Gulliver's Travels. It was put out by the Hallmark channel, so it had to be family friendly! The girls all settled on the couch with a big blanket and I sat down with my knitting and we started the movie. I have to admit, I wasn't really paying a whole lot of attention to the movie. I knew he was a giant in a land of tiny people but I'm new at knitting, so I still have to watch what I'm doing. I was sort of listening though, and at one point Gulliver admitted to having drunk the "Royal cellar full of wine" in celebration of helping the Liliputians defeat their enemy. "I was quite drunk, when it happened." He said. This is where I put my knitting down. What in the hell did the drunk do? I thought. We can't possibly be talking date rape, right? This is a Hallmark movie and the logistics of a giant and a Liliputian...
It turns out the Royal Castle was on fire. The Queen was trapped on the top floor and no ladder could reach her. With the fire fast approaching, Gulliver had to do something.

I knew right then what he was going to do.

Gulliver, in all his drunken glory, unzipped his pants and pissed on the fire.

The movie makers did a lovely job of dubbing in a realistic pissing sound. And the stream? Why any man would be proud of a full bodied forceful stream like that.

"What is that?" Shoot asked me. I didn't say anything.
"That's pee, right?" asked Root.

Just then the greatful, and thoroughly drenched, Liliputian Queen looks up to thank whoever saved her from the fire. Her eyes widen as she looks up, a horrified look spreading across her face. It was the same look on my face as I realized what was happening, only I didn't have to stare straight into Gulliver's one eyed monster.

The queen screams her bloody head off when she realizes she covered in giant piss and not lake water as she originally thought (you'd think the stench of red wine urine would have given that away, but suspend your believe folks).

It's at this point that Lila starts laughing like a maniac. "That's pee? She's covered in pee!" Lila rolls off the couch in an absolute fit of giggles.

"Ok girls, it's time to go home!" I jumped up and turned off the tv and ushered them into boots and hats, hoping the quick action of gathering all their belongings will make them forget what they've just seen. But, I know it won't. When they get home they won't tell their mom about the healthy lunch, the forts or any of the crafts we did. All they'll remember to tell her is that Jenn let them watch a movie about a drunk giant who pissed on people.

That's why I left them at the end of the driveway instead of walking to the door. I'd rather stare headlong into Gulliver's dick then get the look of shame from the former Hippie.


Anonymous blondesoul said...


11:08 AM  
Anonymous blondesoul said...

I have to admit, I would have been rolling on the floor with Lila!!
That's my girl!

11:16 AM  
Blogger Jenn said...

Normally, I would have too. But with those girls here, I was horrified.
As a side note, can you imagine looking up and seeing a 40 foot Ted Danson peeny? Maybe back in the Cheers days that would have been appealing, but 15 years outside of that? Eeesh.

4:32 PM  
Blogger Marianna said...

Ok, OMG I am dying laughing over here! Oh yes, you are here forth stricken as the Bad TV Mommy! BWAHAHAHAHA


4:35 PM  
Anonymous blondesoul said...

They remind me of Anna and Mowenna. Remember them? Mowenna was soooo cute!
Their mother freaked out when mom fed them chicken noodle soup.

12:15 PM  
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