Thursday, March 23, 2006

The truth hurts.

This afternoon I was driving my oldest daughter to pick up one of her friends. She was telling me that to tease her, a boy in her class calls her "masterbator". The term is similar to our last name. I'm trying to teach Jasmine to stick up for herself. Quick wit is not one of her strong suits, and is sometimes imperative for fending off idiots.

"Tell him it would take a real pro to know a term like that." I told her

She looked a little confused "I don't get that." She said.

"Well, it means that he'd have to masterbate a lot to know the word masterbator. That way everyone would start laughing at him instead of you." I explained.

"Oh, ok. Good. That's funny." She said. " I just don't now what 'masterbate' means."

"You don't?" I was shocked. The kid just got a 90 on her health test who's major topic was "Wet Dreams - what are they?"

"No," she said earnestly "I really don't."

This put me at a major impass. I was terrified at the thought of explaining it to her, but if I don't she was likely to ask one of her friends. And let's face it, her friends are all idiots. So I took a deep breath, and layed it all out for her. With as few details as possible, of course. By the time I was done, we had arrived at her friend's place.

"Oh my God, that's disgusting. I'm going in to get her now." She avoided looking at me and practically ran from the car.

Some times the most horrifing thing about parenthood are the truths you have to tell your kids, and how much joy you take in grossing them out.


Blogger Erin-erin-bo-berin said...

I just listened to my daughters' great-grandfather explain how he tells the difference between boy calves and girl calves. He also explained how he castrates the boys to turn them into 'steers'! He pointed out the anatomy of each animal and explained things in such a matter-of-fact way that my girls didn't even flinch. I'm sure that when answering a pointed question from one of my daughters, I will portray confident, experienced knowlege on the subject matter. When they walk away, I will run to my bedroom and cry hysterically!

3:54 PM  
Blogger Oz said...

I remember being about Jasmine's age--I guess I was 12. And someone told a joke that had "hard on" in it, and I had no idea what it was. The girl who told it to me just laughed at me and refused to explain. I heard it as "heart on." Who knows? Maybe she even said it that way and wasn't quite as sophisticated as she pretended to be.

4:39 PM  
Blogger Jenn said...

I was pretty sure that this was covered in her health class so I thought she knew. Oh man, I never pictured myself explaining that one!

6:39 PM  
Blogger greekchickie said...

HAHAA!!! OMG I have no idea how you did it. I think I would have crawled under a rock. But then again, when I was about your daughter's age, I had to learn about sex in the public library by looking at books.


6:56 PM  
Blogger Darryl Masterson said...

I'm just glad that we have three girls and no boys... I don't want to participate in these conversations...

6:57 PM  
Blogger Jenn said...

That's it honey, bury your head in the sand.

6:04 AM  
Blogger Pam said...

Your last line has me snorting!!! Right on for stepping up to the plate and telling it like it is.

7:57 AM  
Anonymous Cindy said...

I don't even know what to say to this, I can't beleive that she is of this age where she has to know this stuff!
Boy they grow to quick!
Well good job on telling her the "facts of life" at least she has the truth and not a bunch of stories from her friends.

7:17 AM  
Blogger Tim said...

Oh my goodness. Poor you, having to go through that discussion. Not too surprising she hadn't learned it in class though...I bet the teacher is nervous they'll get sued by parents for teaching kids about 'bating. Stupid lawsuit-happy USA!

4:09 PM  
Blogger Jenn said...

Let's just say that's a coversation I never thought I'd have!

5:43 AM  
Blogger Praying for your Prodigal said...

OMG! You are so right....isn't it f-u-n...that's fun with a capital F...grossing them out!

My son is still in therapy because I said the word "penis" at dinner....10 years ago!

:) Diane

10:12 AM  

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