The truth hurts.

This afternoon I was driving my oldest daughter to pick up one of her friends. She was telling me that to tease her, a boy in her class calls her "masterbator". The term is similar to our last name. I'm trying to teach Jasmine to stick up for herself. Quick wit is not one of her strong suits, and is sometimes imperative for fending off idiots.

"Tell him it would take a real pro to know a term like that." I told her

She looked a little confused "I don't get that." She said.

"Well, it means that he'd have to masterbate a lot to know the word masterbator. That way everyone would start laughing at him instead of you." I explained.

"Oh, ok. Good. That's funny." She said. " I just don't now what 'masterbate' means."

"You don't?" I was shocked. The kid just got a 90 on her health test who's major topic was "Wet Dreams - what are they?"

"No," she said earnestly "I really don't."

This put me at a major impass. I was terrified at the thought of explaining it to her, but if I don't she was likely to ask one of her friends. And let's face it, her friends are all idiots. So I took a deep breath, and layed it all out for her. With as few details as possible, of course. By the time I was done, we had arrived at her friend's place.

"Oh my God, that's disgusting. I'm going in to get her now." She avoided looking at me and practically ran from the car.

Some times the most horrifing thing about parenthood are the truths you have to tell your kids, and how much joy you take in grossing them out.

Dancing Queen

"Where is everybody?"

Miss Kim is looking around the room. It's full of a bunch of five and six year olds in leotards and she's not remarking on the pitiful attendance today. She has clearly lost their attention as they spin around in circles and dig their little fingers up their noses. We have a dance recital in a few weeks and our lovely, sweet teacher may have picked a lofty song choice for these kids. And as Simon always says, song choice can make or break you in this business.

Miss Kim calls out "Everyone to your green dot!" and the kids scramble to find their green piece of electrical tape stuck to the floor. Most manage to find a green dot. There are a few who want to know why some kids dots are bigger than others. "That's just the way it worked out." she says diplomatically. One girl can't find a dot at all. "Oh, we must be short one. Can you pretend there is a dot there?" Miss Kim is an optimist, for sure. Before the little darling can answer, she starts the music and gets the kids moving.

Splish splash I was taking a bath..
"Move those ahms kids, good!" Her Massachusetts accent slays me. I stifle a giggle.
..put my feet on the floor. Wrap my towel around me..
"Ok, turn around, backs to the audience!" The kids turn around and wiggle their little buns. "Now face forward!" My kid is still facing backwards.
Splish splash I jump back in the bath..
"Grab your pahtner and spin!" The spinning is their favorite part. They instantly spin each other out of control.

"Ok everyone! That was great." Miss Kim stops the music and tries to impart her wisdom on the tiny dancers. "We don't want to run in circles, we need to skip gently. We don't want any of our friends to get hurt, do we?"

"I have a teacher named Lindsey." My daughter tells her.
"That's nice, Lila. "
"And I have a cousin Lindsey"
"Really?"
"And my teacher Lindsey has a brother named Zachary."
"Oh?"
"And I have a cousin named Zachary."
"Well, nice."

"I have a cousin named Annie!" One of the other kids pipes up. Soon everyone is telling cousin names, dog names, and anything else they can come up with . Miss Kim shoots me a look. I just shrug and hide behind my Premier Magazine.

"Ok everyone! Let's play Miss Bunny!" The room erupts in squeals and everyone lines up. She has her control back with their favorite game. After a quick round of our kids pretending to be baby bunnies, she has them find their dots and try the routine again. It starts strong, but ends pretty dismally. They're just not that into it today. She heaps on the praise for their efforts and encourages them for next week.

"You guys are looking really good, I'm very impressed! Let's all try to make it to every practice from now on because we have a recital in a few weeks and we want to look good for our families, right?" That last bit was clearly meant for us parents. Miss Kim is as non-threatening as they come.

After some flower and butterfly stamps on everyone hands, we're headed home. I can't believe this woman does this two days a week, three classes each day and manages to get routines in there. I'm pretty sure that If I was in charge of the class, there would be a lot of interpretive dance going on. Which really means out of control spinning and nose picking. They're good at that.

It's The Inner Voice That Counts

"Violet, do you want a bagel?"

"NO!"

No thank you Mother. I'm really not that hungry. Thanks for offering.

"Violet, do you want some milk?"

"NO, JUICE!"

Actually Mom, I would prefer some juice. Thanks so much for getting it for me!

"Phew! Violet do you need your diaper changed?!"

"No!"

Yes Momma, I have soiled myself. Will you be a dear and clean me up? I promise to get that potty training thing down as soon as possible.

"Violet, did you color on the wall?"

"No, Lila."

Yes mother, it was me. I know I blamed Lila and that was unfair. It's just that when the creative spirit hits me, I can't help myself. Please forgive me.

Moody babies don't like Pizza Hut either.

Well, we gave it a try but Violet just wasn't into it. I kinda knew when we left that she wasn't really well, but had been begging to see her cousin "WeWe" (Wendy) so I thought that might cheer her up some. Nope. Thankfully my mom was home so I drove her over there. They cuddled up in a blanket and watched Caillou and I was back by the time the pizza arrived.

When I got home, the girls had a nice warm bubble bath and we laid in my bed watching cartoons until Violet fell asleep. And did she sleep!

She woke up at 5 and came into our bed.

She woke up at 8ish and downed half a bottle of water and a cup of juice. She fell back asleep with the juice cup in hand.

And she slept, and slept, until - 12:30pm!

And right now she is eating the crunch berries from her cereal, eating yogurt, and drinking more juice. Maybe we're on the mend, keep your fingers crossed!

Boy, is her diaper wet!

Moody Babies don't like to "Nite"

My littlest, Violet, has been sick lately. It started with fever and diarrhea and has since morphed into a nasty little cold. Needless to say, she been very crabby. And to add insult to injury she hasn't been napping.

Last night at dinner time was tough. She was very tired and crabby and was prone to crying at anything. After ten minutes trying to decide what she wanted for dinner ("Mac & cheese?" "NO, THAT!!" "Chicken?" "NO, THAT!! *sob, tears, snot* "Potatoes?" "Yuhuh..sniff..sniff") Violet was finally sitting quiet and eating. Jasmine and her friend were getting their dinner so I quietly walked up behind them and whispered:

"Ok, nobody talk to or look at the baby. She is very tired and sick and is finally sitting still. I just want her to eat her dinner so she can go to bed."

I'm such an idiot.

"NOOOO! NO NITE! I DON'T WANNA NITE NOO NOOO!" I'm pretty sure the sobbing and screaming could be heard across town. "I DONE! NO NITE!!" More sobbing as the plate get thrown to the floor.

"Ok Violy, you don't have to. Calm down, calm down." I tried to soothe, but it was all over.

That, my friends, was a rookie mistake.